Infertility is more than a medical condition — it is an emotional journey that can leave people feeling isolated and misunderstood. For the one in six couples affected, experiencing infertility can be the most upsetting period of their lives.
Even when loved ones try to offer support, their words sometimes miss the mark, inadvertently deepening feelings of loneliness.
To better understand these experiences, we set out to explore what people with infertility find helpful versus unhelpful in social interactions. This question became especially relevant during the COVID-19 pandemic when fertility treatments were put on hold, heightening feelings of uncertainty and loss.
We surveyed 80 women from Canada and the United States whose fertility treatments had been cancelled during the pandemic. By examining the kinds of comments people facing infertility received, we identified six meaningful ways to offer support.
What helps: Meaningful ways to show support
One of the most striking findings from our study was that the most appreciated form of support was simply being listened to without interruption. This aligns with research on other health conditions, such as cancer and chronic pain, where empathetic listening has been shown to improve well-being.
Participants valued hopeful statements that didn’t dismiss their emotions. They also appreciated shared lived experiences and encouragement to engage in activities beyond fertility treatments. Practical support — whether emotional support (for example, “I’m here for you”) or tangible help (assisting with appointments or finances) — was particularly meaningful.
What hurts? Commonly harmful comments
Despite good intentions, certain types of comments often left participants feeling worse. Some interactions, while meant to encourage, came across as dismissive or intrusive.
A key example was toxic positivity, where statements like “Just stay positive” or “Everything happens for a reason” were perceived as minimizing real pain. Similarly, unsolicited advice — such as “Just relax and it will happen” — was frustrating because it overlooked the complexity of infertility and placed blame on the individual.
Repeated prying about fertility treatments or pregnancy updates was also widely reported as distressing. Being asked “Any news yet?” or “Are you pregnant?” created a sense of pressure and invasion of privacy during an already vulnerable time.
A model for providing support
These findings formed the basis of LIFTED and DOWN — models designed to help loved ones offer support in ways that are both compassionate and helpful. Each of these strategies aligns with the interactions participants in our study found most helpful, offering a clear, research-backed guide for those who want to support someone experiencing infertility.
LIFTED stands for Listening without judgment, Inspiring hope, Finding common ground, Tangible support, Emotional validation and Distraction encouragement. Together, these points embody helpful methods for supporting those facing infertility, as outlined by the participants in our study.
DOWN stands for Dismissive positivity, Overbearing advice, Withholding validation and Nosy prying. These make up the main routes to avoiding taking when comforting those with infertility struggles. For example, offering solutions to issues without being asked and minimizing real emotions were regarded as unhelpful by participants.
Fine line between encouraging, dismissing
An important distinction our study identified was between inspiring hope and engaging in dismissive positivity.
Hopeful statements were often perceived as helpful, but only when paired with emotional validation. For example, “I know this is incredibly difficult, and it’s OK to feel upset. But no matter what, you are not alone” conveys both acknowledgement of distress and encouragement.
In contrast, statements like “Just be positive!” or “It will happen when you stop stressing” felt dismissive and invalidating. The key difference is whether the person’s emotions are recognized or disregarded.
Similarly, distraction can be a valuable coping tool — but only when it aligns with the individual’s values and needs. Encouraging someone to engage in meaningful activities, such as exercise, creative hobbies or community engagement, can be helpful. However, saying “Just keep busy” or “Think happy thoughts” risks coming across as minimizing their experience.
Shared understanding and self-education
Another key takeaway from our study is that individuals struggling with infertility often found the most comfort in speaking with others who had gone through similar experiences. Lived experience provided a rare sense of understanding, reducing feelings of isolation.
However, even those without direct experience can still play a meaningful role in providing support. Self-education — reading firsthand accounts, watching documentaries or following advocacy organizations — can help loved ones gain insight into the emotional impact of infertility.
Educating oneself can also prevent unintentional harm by reducing the likelihood of saying something dismissive, offering unhelpful advice or making assumptions about the person’s experience.
Shifting support to be more meaningful
If someone in your life is facing infertility, the most meaningful support may be simple.
It’s not about coming up with the perfect thing to say or having all the right answers, it’s about being present, listening without judgment and validating their emotions.
By making small but intentional shifts in how we communicate, we can help ensure that individuals experiencing infertility feel supported rather than dismissed, heard rather than pressured and uplifted rather than brought down.
The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
