Dear Editor:
My nine-year-old second cousin Hacker has intercepted a federal government email that contains some interesting news:
Stanley Park has been taken over by Prime Minister Stephen Harper, reportedly to save it from the money-losing ravages of squirrels and feral rabbits, and will be made a showplace for the accomplishments of the Harper administration.
Under the guidance of Environment Minister Peter Kent, there will be a scaled-down replica of the Alberta tar sands operation, with some Vancouver sewage diverted to represent the coveted product.
The trees, which now are infested with leaves, birds and other things of no commercial value, will be replaced by a plastic forest manufactured in China and including digital pandas, all impervious to storms and bark beetles and requiring no costly upkeep. Lost Lagoon will become a holding pond for the mining effluent and form the backdrop to an annual slaughter of baby seals, stray cats and environmentalists. Disney interests plan to install a fantasy asbestos mine operated by seven robotic dwarfs programmed to cough a lot while singing It's a Foul World After All.
Restaurants and sports facilities will give way to U.S. Pentagon Enterprises selling IBMs that have passed their "best before" dates, partly developed war planes and used generals. Defence Minister Peter MacKay will demonstrate novel and expensive ways to return to work after your holidays.
Many blue-collar employees will be selected from older people hoping to retire by the age of 67, while failed Conservative election candidates and relatives of Conservative MPs or senators will be given senior positions with huge pensions in the offing.
B.C. Premier Christy Clark will head up a platoon of Harperland Greeters.
Members of the public will be able to visit Harperland for $49.95 (plus HST and parking) or three easy payments of $19.95.
Young Hacker tells me that the park takeover was revealed by Mr. Harper during his sales trip to China, but the announcement was made in Mandarin and never translated.
Tony Eberts, New Westminster
