Mike Tiney and Chris Jodoin always knew they wanted kids, but they weren’t sure which road to parenthood to take.
Adopting and surrogacy were discussed at length many times.
“We kind of came to the conclusion that we wanted a child as genetically close to us as possible,” Tiney, co-president of New West Pride, told the Record during an interview at their New West apartment.
So when Jodoin’s sister-in-law, Jessie, joked that she’d be a surrogate for the couple, the idea stuck.
“My husband and I didn’t want any more kids. We thought about it,” she said, adding it wasn’t a tough decision. “I think a lot of people have a problem with that. I knew, going forward, that it’s my nephew or my niece. The baby’s always going to be in my life.”
Jessie decided to let the pair in on her decision by presenting them with an Easy Bake oven, a cheeky gesture they all laugh about today.
With Jodoin as the sperm donor, all the family needed at the point was an egg donor.
That’s where Tiney’s sister, Chelsea, comes in. The then-22-year-old said the decision was a no-brainer.
“(My friends) thought it was crazy. A lot of my close friends, they’re not really close with their families, but to me, my family is everything. It’s like, ‘Yeah, why wouldn’t I do that?’”
She wanted to do something special, too, so on Father’s Day 2014, Chelsea gave her brother a letter.
“She took two eggs and drew two little faces on them and presented it to us, as a yes, I will do this,” said Tiney.
Spencer David Jodoin came in to the world on March 9, 2016 at 10:37 p.m., weighing eight pounds, two ounces and measuring 21 inches long. (He had a full head of hair, too.)
“I ugly cried,” Jodoin recalled, choking up a bit.
Both Jodoin and Tiney, who have been together since 2010, were in the delivery room for the birth. Jodoin caught Spencer as he came out and Tiney cut the umbilical cord.
They also hired a photographer to capture some of the first moments for the new family of three, including the skin-on-skin contact Spencer had with Jodoin.
“No experience I ever will have again will compare to that moment. It was life changing,” said Tiney with a smile.
Making it work
Going the surrogacy route didn’t come cheap.
To date, the couple has invested between $40,000 and $50,000 into the process. The money has covered everything from the in-vitro fertilization procedure and the hormone pills to the maternity clothes. Jodoin and Tiney also topped up Jessie’s EI benefits.
Unlike some Canadian families, the couple didn’t have access to parental benefits. Because both of them are self-employed – Tiney, a contracted carpenter, and Jodoin, an event design and décor business owner – they were not eligible.
When Spencer was born, Tiney took two weeks off from work and Jodoin stayed home for six weeks.
“We just made do with staff and help from (our) moms,” said Jodoin. “I’d bring Spencer to meetings. I would take him to event set-ups.”
With Spencer’s birthday nearing, the couple says they find it hard to believe a year has gone by.
For Jodoin, his favourite part of parenting has been watching Spencer grow.
“Seeing all the new stages is neat, like when he started crawling and walking along the furniture, eating his first foods,” he said.
For Tiney, it’s seeing his son’s smile, hearing his giggles and seeing him manoeuvre on all fours as he crawls up a storm around the apartment.
“The fact that he’s so happy. You hear horror stories all the time from parents,” he told the Record.
Anyone who follows the couple on social media can attest to that happiness. Whether it’s a photo of Spencer getting his first haircut or a bath time video on Facebook, there’s always a fair amount of likes.
Last summer, the family won an Instagram contest as part of International Kiss Day, which asked folks to submit a smooch-worthy photo. The black-and-white picture featured Tiney and Jodoin sharing a kiss with Spencer in their arms.
“I want to help promote inclusiveness with people in the community of all ages. I want them to know that a child with two dads, or with two moms, is just as loved and as ‘normal’ as any other child with a mom and a dad,” said Tiney of putting Spencer in the social media spotlight.
Sound advice
Tiney admitted he was “very afraid” about becoming a gay parent in his community.
“I was worried about the looks we would get, what people would say when we were grocery shopping; two men pushing a grocery cart with a little kid,” he said.
The couple does get looks, Tiney added, but they’re not bad looks.
“They’re smiles and they’re surprised looks. So far, we haven’t encountered any sort of homophobic instances anywhere.”
Jodoin noted they’ve been stopped on the street a couple of times while out for a walk, with people commenting on how cute Spencer is.
“I heard one girl go, ‘Mom, did you see that? That’s two gay dads.’ It made us smile,” he said.
When the time comes to send Spencer off to school, Tiney hopes he’s treated well, given some stories he’s heard from another gay couple in New West.
“Their daughter is in school, and I hear some of the stories of the parents, not the kids. ... Like not wanting their kid to play with her because she has two gay dads. And it’s like, really? That’s the part that’s not cool,” he said.
“You’d think in this day and age people would be a little bit more respectful of a kid,” Jodoin chimed in.
Regardless of these anecdotes, Tiney and Jodoin encourage gay couples to be brave and not scared in their pursuit of parenthood.
“Just trust your gut,” said Jodoin.
Paying it forward
Tiney and Jodoin couldn’t definitively say whether they’ll have more kids.
If they choose to try for No. 2, they’ll need to find a new surrogate. For Jessie to carry another baby, it would mean complications.
In the meantime, they’re paying it forward. A lesbian couple they know recently had their sperm donor back out at the last minute, so Jodoin agreed to provide the sperm, no questions asked.
“It’s kind of our little way of (giving back); they (Chelsea and Jessie) helped us, so we’re going to try to help somebody else,” said the business owner.
Tiney agreed.
“Without them, it wouldn’t have happened. I still don’t know how we can ever repay them,” he said.
